Love isn’t Love

Why am I losing control of myself?

How do I get back to where I was?

When does this feeling of suffering end?

Daze and confused

I am hunkering here thinking about words to bring life to this letter.

We are living in a pandemic. People are dying.

Nothing feels like the way things were.

Wait, let me, ooh, never mind, but wait.

I lost focus; don’t we all lose focus.

Nothing is making sense. What does anymore?

Sir, I have a question.

Do you think you can help me?

I seem to be lost.

I wanted to know if you have seen this girl.

I went walking and found that I wasn’t where I thought I was and lost her.

It is starting to rain, sorry to bother you.

Am I dreaming, or is this real?

How have you been?

Sincerely Yours

When talking about how you feel, you get labeled.

We all go through life, passing by it, including myself.

So my question is, how do we slow down and actually embrace the present?

In a world full of social media and the rising of influencers, what are we actually influencing? We overuse words that hold so much power. Words like God, love, I miss you. When we actually interact with another person, some let’s do it for the gram type feeling. Rather than living in the moment, our moment gets lived for a brief scroll through. The instant dopamine that feeds us our happiness.

Now I get personal and tell you, and I hold a lot of space for others; I rarely hold space for myself. I self explode in the most dangerous ways thinking what people mean isn’t true. Overly used words leave me feeling empty. I have been battling with this bad addiction; the walls seem like caving in at times; however, i pull through, I been through worse, and I know that God has me here for a reason. Somewhere in my lives self-worth knowing I deserve more than where I am.

I interact with some people who think I am a deep thinker, which I am; however, I am extremely disconnected with the thought that I think because knowing all this is like watching your favorite reality tv show. It’s pointless at the end of the day. Create what you need to create; let go of the false notion that things need to matter.

I am not telling you what to do; I am telling myself how I feel; even though I am grateful that you are reading this right now, I just wanted to tell you that whatever you are going through will soon surpass.


Being A Muslim in America

Being a Muslim American hasn’t been hard. However, being a person that never understand religion nor god, that where things got hard.

In life, there needs to be a place where we feel fulfilled, where we feel safe, free of all judgments, and accept where we are in life.

After surviving cancer, I started looking deeper into life, and I got lost in the after effect that I started back to where I began; this time, I didn’t have the proper tools, nor did I have God.

See, what turned me off with religion wasn’t the religion itself. It was the people representing the religion. God doesn’t judge, all are god creatures, yet people feel entitled to share a belief that they feel is right.

The deeper you look into life aspects, the further you’ll need to climb to get out of the hole you are digging.

By saying by all this, and what I want to tell you guys, is no matter what others think of you, worry about what you think about yourself. Why god created a creature like you. What is your purpose, and how do you want to be remembered when you die.

self talk

There a voice living within me telling me that I’m not worthy of the connection I need to be who I want.

Who are you? What do you want from me?

I’m the voice of your past called trauma. We both have been hurt by life. Why should we care and feel when all we do is get let down by people and their actions.

We get let down time and time again by allowing people in, and all they do is hurt us. They forget what we did for them, only to leave us for their own selfish needs.

Is that so? Why do you want to hold on to things that hurt us if living is here now? Where do you want to go from here? Do you want our time to be stolen by a bunch of nobodies so that we die in this black void calling emotions?

This is why I numb you.

This is why I talk to you.

You would rather want to be numb than be anything other than that because you feel too much?

Seasons change

Your emotions will get you killed. Guard your heart ignore the rest. Love the fuck out of yourself, keep walking. This world may seem divided, yet you remain intact because you are part of the world. Nothing will ever be where it is in place today because we change as the season go. Yet we remain the same in the memories that fade with time.

Hanging on.

Hanging from the tip of the iceberg, I fell into the freezing water. The cold water ran through my veins. Leaving in shock, I tried to find the warmth in things that left me feeling cold. Oooh, how I miss the taste of coffee on your lips. I miss the sound of your crackling ankles in the morning, nothing feels like home when you are not around.

Protect the queen, not the king

The sense of thinking you’re crazy trying to feel something that is there while everyone else tells it is not. Make you feel like nothing belong where it stands. So you let go of the idea that the fantasy is real, only to realize that nothing anyone thinks makes sense. Knowing that only if you believed in yourself, things would’ve been different. But this isn’t a should’ve would’ve been type thing. In the end, protect the queen. Checkmate.

Rain Drops

Lost in glare, I found myself stuck in the rainfall. Lighting followed with the sound of thunder; my heart skips a beat, there it was. Reaching for it, but it’s not in plain sight, I sit look inwards to find me. All this time, I was reaching out looking for me when I was inside of who I am.

Tic Tok

I fall short in the process of letting you go, don’t know what I am holding onto anymore. This idea of knowing that you are too far gone leaves me feeling numb. I get called being heavy in expressing my feeling of loving too hard. Everything from within feels like a ticking time bomb, and I am the explosive holding the surface, not knowing what do with what i think. What am I even feeling if most days I feel nothing?