Peaking the horizon

When we go through trauma, our life becomes shattered.

Feel that, embrace it, allow yourself to understand that we are humans. We are all fucked up somehow. Sometimes we lose ourselves on the path to healing. We experience the feeling of void, blackness, and emptiness. Everyone goes through it.

Don’t let it consume your life. It will trigger addiction, leave you feeling depressed, and allow you to become someone you’re not.

Life has its ways of showing you where you need to grow. Who am I to tell you what you need to heal through life? I am no one. I am just sharing my viewpoints from experience. I lost people in life due to my not loving who I was.

I struggle with addiction. I have an extremely addictive personality. I don’t know any social norms, and some might even think I lack emotion in how I respond to them.  I view life as if it’s nothing but a big game. Don’t do that.

During some pivotal moments in my life, I started to understand how fragile time is. Time doesn’t wait on anyone, and life doesn’t stop because you are having a bad day.

Whenever I reach the peak, I fall back down, scared to stand tall, thinking the past is who I am, allowing myself to remain stuck in low vibrations, never seeing past the horizon.

I started to hold back in how I feel, losing the ability to express what is going on from the inside out. Why do I fear standing out? Am I scared for someone to notice my potential or am I scared of myself seeing my own potential?

“Yo, what’s that scar on your head?”

I can either tell them the full story or I can tell them I was in a gang fight. Either way, both options won’t make sense. So I stopped answering. People want to know the pain you go through so that they can either A) feel for you or B) Be happy that what they are going through isn’t as bad as what you went through. Regardless of any outcome of any situation, there is always going to be a lack of understanding when it comes to experience. Not everyone understands what pain is, my pain isn’t the same pain as your pain. Pain is the root of the feeling but the experience behind the pain is different. I may react differently to what I feel pain is. That doesn’t mean my pain is less than your pain. Pain is pain.

It doesn’t matter where you stand; someone is always going to stand taller, regardless of how you view it. Learn how to let go of this idea of thinking that you know it all.

Experience leads us to beliefs. “Practical contact with and observation of facts or events.” That is the meaning of an experience. Each word has a sense, meaning it creates a moment in time, moments in time develop beliefs. The more we seem to understand, the more we notice that life is meaningless. I didn’t mean to offend you in telling you that your life has no meaning. Life on the grand scale has no meaning; the moments in them are the meanings we create for ourselves.

On the real though, pause for a second, ask yourself this question? Are your thoughts yours? Or is someone else controlling your thoughts?

Self Blame

Move past the notion that fairytales exist. They don’t within itself is just an illusion waiting for the magician or so-called god to relieve itself.
I am just here to entrain the notion that there is what man calls self. There is a lot of things that we feel. We act on emotion rather than action.
Best believe both are as equally important when dealing with understanding yourself.
See patterns in people that you see within yourself. Don’t blame those patterns onto them. Blame yourself for not breaking free out of those patterns that became the prison bars to your life,
Setting yourself free isn’t something that one can do in relying on others for information. It understands that you are in control of how you feel, regardless of how spiteful or hurt the other person is going through.
Some people act out the pureness of spite not to make you feel like shit about yourself but to relate to their self misery. Laugh it up at the end of the day we all face this thing called death and that when we start to live. We hold true what will disappear in time, and we hold time like it’s never going to run out. We are all running out of it. Don’t take another second for granted and start to understand what others do or say to you isn’t about you.

The Novel waiting to be read

Every person you meet is a novel. Some are difficult to read; others have pages ripped apart from past damage. Some even fabricated to fit a narrative that pertains to where they are now.

It’s been four years since I was cancer-free, today I shared it with people. There was a push back from within myself in fearing being judged. My cancer isn’t for anyone to understand; it is for me to have gratitude for life, and share a face that some people never get to see the winning side of cancer.

It was a blessing having a support system put into place. So many people fought to keep me alive. I don’t always show appreciation. I got lost in negative thinking. It’s hard when talking about the past. A big part of me understood what it was like going through everything. Don’t look to be understood; look to understand.

When I was battling cancer, my cousin died. His death was the first time I experience death after going through my cycle of destruction. I don’t want to get into too many details, and I finally understand what I didn’t want to be after seeing him die. I felt first hand his pain of being misunderstood, trying to be accepted by a society that would label him.

I am not making excuses for myself, nor am I justifying my action based on my experience. All I can speak of is that cancer wasn’t something easy it was a lot of numbing. I don’t know how I feel about still.

It’s been four long years, writing this now, I feel numb; there is nothing that the past can show me that I haven’t seen. If you are one of those people that tells someone to move past it you are better now, do me a favor think before you give advice. Feeling numb to something is okay.

When you become self-reflective on what made you the person you are today, where you go wrong is when you blame others for making you the way you are. You didn’t have a choice if you didn’t know any better. Just move past it and look for greater things. People you love will hurt you, and you will do the same that is all part of the process of self-discovery. You can go on living a life of never finding out who you are and die. Don’t die without realizing who you were and how this world will remember you.

Loving yourself

Breaking someone’s reality can be hard.
When you tell your truth, it hurts their deception of you and the world.

Life keeps going.

As people, we are blessed and cursed with this thing call Awareness. The conscious mind tells you what is right from wrong.

Most people know how to tell the difference.

I see a split world from time to time, or maybe it’s the people I allow myself to see.

I know there are transcendent people out there in this detailed world.

The thing is many people are not willing to receive messages. They are just not there yet. I am learning how to see the world for what it is. No bullshit no gimmicks, Just seeing what the world shows me, with no judgment. I cannot save the world, because this world is perfect the way it is. Just like you and I. What is happening will always be happening. It doesn’t mean you can’t change what is going to happen. Your reaction will forever shape what will happen next. You decide.

There are many different cultures in this world. So many different people are living life — so many different versions of ourselves in different bodies.

I try and see myself in others; I try and relate to others, I try and give others advice. Empathy is the key to humanity and genuine kindness. Like I said before, many people aren’t ready to receive a message they aren’t prepared for yet.

What people see you as will always be a reflection of who they are. They are just trying to bring their insecurities on to you. Remember this, you matter. Want to know how I know? Because you are reading this and you are ready to receive the message. Be nothing more than who you were meant to be — the best you. If you give a lot it because you are a lot, nobody gives what they don’t have.

With love and respect, I hope you find what you need from this world.

Dead Presidents

We worship dead people on paper. What if things were a little different. What if you started showing the world color to a colorless world. We are all trapped to something. Try and break free of what life throws at you. I wish you could see what it is like knowing what it is to die without really dying. Would you really think that life is more than what life really is?

I don’t preach, I speak, I don’t want you to know anything other than the self-love that you need to grow. Self= You love= you. Self-love is what life is all about.

Some of us become our parents growing up to only make our kids which is the cycle that never ends, unless becoming that change to that parent you needed when you were a kid.

I don’t need fixing, you don’t need fixing. We all need happiness and happiness starts with accepting what life is. Walk away from toxic things in life, become more than what you were yesterday. People will never understand you and at the end of the day, you don’t need to be understood. You need to understand yourself.

Take what you need from this or take nothing at all.