The truth is that I am lost. Life without you has been terrifying. There is no codependent relationship anymore. With you, there was a purpose that lived inside. You gave me a purpose; you gave me an excuse.
I don’t feel much without, wish you would’ve erased me. A big part of me forgave you; I don’t think I forgive myself. I felt too much with you now; I feel nothing. Yes, I go through my phases, never look back, though. There is nothing there; there is only here which is now. Won’t be putting this much emotion by saying fuck you this time. This time I will say thank you, thank you for giving me the power to still be here without you this isn’t a breakup; it’s a growth. You will forever be a part of my life.
The journey for me started a little over five years ago.
Finding balance in all of this has been hard.
Today I felt happy, alone, but happy. I reached the peak of cancer five fucken years clean. That is my biggest accomplishment in life. Also, my biggest blessing was cancer; Cancer is the teacher. It allows you to see past the bullshit we face as people. It shows a world that many fear. Many also forget what it was like going through the struggle; they allow other minor problems to overtake the most significant challenge we once faced.
Life keeps going; in a way, life doesn’t care for you; it cares about how you overcome obstacles.
We go through a lot to remain where we are most times. I say this a lot – note to self.
I am learning how to be alone, being alone is both a blessing and a curse because at times I do want to hold another human, but also at times, I want to hold myself.
Finding balance has always been a challenge for me. I tend to stay away from crowds; I’ll get lost in the noise. I also get lost in my pitty. Knowing that one day I will reface what I faced makes me not care, seeing both a meaningful and meaningless life finding that balance has also been a conflict.
I am cancer free now five years, and the feeling changes\
Life is a game of balance, finding what you need at the moment to get you past bullshit we all go through. Ego minded people, feed the narrative, you and I are not that special in a world full of extraordinary and talented people. We are all one at the end of the day, learn how to love others, and love yourself for us to grow as people.