Look Past the sky

What left you gasping for air, did you find yourself in the waves of the current or did you get washed back to shore. Letting the universe guide you to the final destination, or did you see life in the sun. When you fell distant, lookout passed sky; see behind the material that holds us together.

VOID

Cancer didn’t kill me; neither would your surface-level personality. It’s not the streets I trust; neither is it the people I meet. It’s the waves in the ocean and guidance in the breath that keep my feet on the ground. Wave’s being so unpredictable and air being life, I found the balance in the chaos we call order. If life had its limits, it wouldn’t be what we seem to find hard, being limitless in this thing we consume, we become the consumers of other’s beliefs, when words aren’t ours action become left without intent, leaving us looking for the feeling we call void.

feeling of time

I feel angry, confused, lost, and mainly numb. I push threw though.

I don’t know how some are heartless with the way they think or act. This thing called time, we all take it for granted. We wait to fix things and says time heals all. Time doesn’t cure anything; it just numbs it and changes how you view the world. Why do we wait for the last minute to change something? By last minute I mean, why do we wait for someone to die to hold these feelings of regret or remorse.

I witnessed a lot of deaths in my life, and they all feel the same. There this subtle feeling of realizing that life has stopped. When we die, the world keeps going, and it doesn’t stop for anyone

Fogged Vision

There is no right or wrong way of dealing with your emotions.
Emotions are just there to teach you a way of navigating a way that you feel about a situation that you don’t understand.

People go through life either masking a part of them that they hide from the outside world or hide from themselves. Letting this not affect how you feel is a skill learned into moving past the feeling of low energy.

People die every day; we don’t hear about the ones that never left an impact on the world; we only hear about the ones that die with fame or mass murders from a tragic outcome. The point is you never know when you’re last day here on earth is. Everything is as it is, be present, and let go of things that don’t hold any truth to you. I never understand the conditioning parts of the human mind; we hold onto things that are just as empty as our promises we make to ourselves at times.

Breaking out of character comes from a deep place of hurt that many will dismiss from not understanding everyone deals with things differently. We are all going through this thing together as a collective whole. There is a saying out there “thinking positive all the time is a negative trait; understanding that negative is negative is a positive trait.”

Seeing things for what they are without labeling them is also a learned skill. Learning how to shutdown how you feel a lot takes of work; there is a lot of breaking and letting go into changing what you need for yourself.

People go through their journey without realizing that their perspective is a fogged image of who they are.

Patterns

Every year it’s the same pattern. Broken promises lead up to new to year resolution.

Don’t wait for the year to end to make changes in your life. This thing called time is just another way of blocking us out into not seeing what life is all about.

We dismiss people in our lives, thinking we are protecting ourselves what we fail to see is that life is a pattern of memories into seeing what there is and what there is not. We go through this cycle of pain to try and fill in the void that once left us defected to only pray to a god to heal a void that we wait for someone else to repair.

Every year that passes is just another year that will repeat the same patterns that the year before bought, we go through the cycle of all holidays to keep us having a sense of purpose.

We need to fit into a circle that was meant to go against us.

Going through what I’ve been through and seeing life for what it is.

I’ve learned how to see some patterns that once kept me in the loop of feeling like I needed to fit in.

Some people don’t like it when I show them a side of me of not caring. Not caring to me doesn’t mean I don’t care I don’t see a point in caring for something that holds no meaning, In having no meaning, that it doesn’t have a higher purpose other than the sense you create to it.

From time to time, I numb down; I need it for me to feel something. In feeling something, I regain this feeling of not caring.

Broken People

They are lost in the clutter of the mind, so they seek the heart only to find that there is a void that lives within it. Looking for broken promises in broken people to only find they too are broken. Trapped in the head, finding that nothing is the way things were only to realize that everything is perfect the way it is.

Gas Lighting

I think too, deep. 

Emotions carry all this information that I try and understand over-analyzing my whole existence.

                                                        The intro

 Somewhere in life, we learn how to be who we are today. We compare who we are to the people that influenced us in our youth. I don’t want to get it depressing or get emotional about things because we all go through our problems. In general, we all faced one thing that made us who we are. Whether it was is our parents or our external family or our environment. We learned a lot of old habits of who we are today.

       post-Cancerous

Mental Health is key. We all suffer from it. We all have our ways of dealing with shit. We accept the love we think we deserve. We allow shit to stick when, in all reality, nothing makes sense. Everything that is happening is happening. This part of me is my logical side writing, the part that has zero emotions left to give. Emotionally drained from suppressing myself to make others happy. There are very few people I still feel for, my mom, my dad, my sisters, and this one other person we will remain nameless. Sometimes in life, we get lost we surround ourselves with people who feed into our ego. Who use and abuse us.

       pre-cancerous

Remember how I said we take the love we think we deserve? Regardless of how much love you give someone, they won’t know how to love you back. 

My logical side is telling me not to open up because I will be subjective to hurt. I will say it to it that I got this time won’t allow myself to worry anymore about what others are going to think of me. You acknowledge what you believe is right because what we believe is correct at the moment isn’t always right. If someone were to tell me that I would be where I was today ten years ago, I would say to them that they had no idea who I was. 

                                                      post-Cancerous

Who I am at twenty-nine is an unhealed man that didn’t know any better. There was this one person in my life. We will also leave them nameless. I looked up to this person, though they were the excellent people until one day I broke free of the Gas-lighting and started to feel me for a change. Start saying what does Mouhamad needs. This person didn’t like it that much, so ego-filled that they needed a reality check of their own. What I am trying to tell you is that some people are good at putting on this persona in saying that they are something that they are not. Learn how to trust your gut and tell yourself that it is okay not to be around people like that even if you love them. They don’t know what love is until either the person is dead or if that person wants nothing to do with them. They compete with themselves, always comparing what the other person has rather than focused on what makes them happy. 

                                       Pre-cancerous

I was looking up to people, rather than looking up to myself. I didn’t understand what it was like to be who I wanted to be, so I allowed other people the dictate my life. I Surrounded myself with people that matched my energy. They also didn’t know what it was like loving themselves; with sounding like a pessimist, I want to make it clear this is all self-realization. What is self-realization with actually doing things that will help benefit yourself?

The conclusion of this whole post is that understand yourself in learning how to accept all parts of you that need the attention of others gives it to yourself. Know that people will love you, and people will also hurt you. It’s how you react that makes you feel what you feel. Emotions repeat throughout life; you can suppress them to know that you are the only one that is in control of how you feel.

Finding yourself.

Life. We all have it some of us struggle with the meaning of it. We are all different, and in being different, we sometimes fall short of becoming something more then what we are. She will never stop loving you as long as you are here right now reading this. In the words of Alan Watts, ” existence is love.”

Play on words has you thinking. Life has me thinking, is everything for the moment, or is there something more than where I am now. We never know where we are because we are always trying to control something that we cannot control. When I say we I don’t mean all, I mean we as in the overthinkers. Overthinking is both bliss and curse.

Through Cancer, I’ve learned that I forget how strong I am as a person. I’ve also learned how I don’t give myself enough credit. People get turned off by mental health topics. They don’t want to hear about your suffering because the world is grieving as is. They want to hear about the achievement of the struggles, not the battle it.

I want to conceive myself of being smart enough emotionally, I numbed myself through substance to escape parts of me I hated, and I learned that to kill those parts I needed to love those parts. Those parts of me were answers to my question of finding what it is that makes me not act in my true self.

I know when I don’t act from my true self. My true self is a loving and caring person. Through life and my own experience, different parts of me were born. Parts of me that I am trying to understand so that my inner child doesn’t fear them.

One part of me that I am still trying to understand is my fighter side. Even though it helped me, it’s also wanted to destroy me. It is hard letting out a front of you to the world. I am learning not to be scared to be unmasked. It will eliminate those that fail to understand my being.

One of my darkest times overshadowed my light. I didn’t understand it back then I don’t think I fully understand it now. There are still parts of me that need work, and I find it within me to change these bad habits that once helped me heal physically and destroyed me mentally.

In the process of growing up, you’ll learn that the kid within you is still alive. You will discover that people are just people learning the adults are unhealed kids. Generations of same old toxic cycles, you will try and break it, but they would be to hurt because they don’t like their idea of what this world is to change, which is okay. Don’t allow that to break you from becoming you.

Speak your mind; become free. Remember How I told you, in the beginning, people are struggling in finding the meaning of their why. I know my why, It’s helping others to find out who they are. Not everyone wants to find themselves, which is okay. I am here just speaking, not preaching because I understand that people are people; they do what they choose to do. That is the best part of being a human; we have access to self-control most of the time. We are emotional beings; we are thinkers; we are an expression and so much more.

Deep Rest

Depression: feelings of severe despondency and dejection.

de·spond·en·cy: a state of low spirits caused by loss of hope or courage.

Spirit: the nonphysical part of a person which is the seat of emotions and character; the soul.

Learn where your energy goes, make sure that what you feel will always remain true to who you are. Fight for the people that will fight for you. Fight for the people that need help in fighting. I see a world that is lost. I bet there are others in this world that feel the same.

it’s been four years, it’s been a long journey of soul searching and I still find a big void, where happiness once was. What I used to like I don’t like anymore. Happiness does start from the inside, my inside also turned their back on me.

Narcissism, Self-centered, Fraud, Fake.

Label me. I don’t really care anymore.

Speak opened minded, self-reflect on your own self. No one can save somebody that doesn’t want to save themselves.

Dear people, I don’t know who this will reach, I hope it reaches somebody that needs it the most.  We are all going through something in Life. I want to first thank the people who believed me in and I let them down.

Deep down somewhere in my heart lays a compassionate soul. There are many different layers under the surface of my being.

I am grateful enough to be where I am now. I have one of the best families in the world and it’s time I start doing for them what they did for me.

Sometimes Parents can be confusing, they don’t listen, they try and discipline you, ten years too late. They always have their best intentions at heart. Somewhere in life, we get hurt mentally, and then we stop growing emotionally.

Hurting doesn’t need to be forever, hurting stop when you figure out that sometimes, we need to self-reflect on what really matters.

Self-reflecting isn’t always blaming yourself, it’s accepting that you are human, it’s telling yourself that nothing in the past will define who you are today.

I try and talk about being yourself, We are all one race at the end of the day separated by religion and dumb politics, we are divided. Seeing end of life makes you not be able to see current life at times.

I am good where I am right now. What I don’t understand is someone who is positive 24/7, find me a person that is happy all year round. I’ll find you a million who aren’t. I give credit to those who mask their pain. Life is all pain. We one day will die, our energy will never die but we will. Masking is like trying to dry a surface with wet paper, it will just make everything messier.

BTW I am not the best writer, I am good at expressing myself. I’ll make it one day.

ps. Introduce yourself, I would love to get to know you guys.

Double sided conversation.

Knock knock!

Who’s there ?

Me.

Me, who?

It’s me, you. The person that has been with you for the last 27 years of your life. Can you let me in?

No.

What do you mean no?

I said NO!!

Why do you always do this?

Do what?

This.

Can you just leave me alone?

No, I can’t leave you alone. I let you be for a little while and now it’s time to man up and get your shit together.

What do you mean by get my shit together? I have it together.

You do?

Yes.

Can you explain to me how then do you have it together, if all you have been doing for the past three years is just waste our time. I get that people and experiences hurt you but you need to let that shit shape you instead. Let me tell you a story about yourself that no one will understand. You are different. In being different, that means you’re special, not everyone will get you, and not every needs to get you. You have everything and everyone around you to support you. Stop acting like a spoiled little child for once. I get that you went through a lot and I am not just saying that to make you feel better. I experienced it with you. I saw how hard you fought. You took over for a while, and now it’s my turn to take back who I am. There are parts of you love and some parts that are no longer needed. If you can find some moderation in your life, maybe, just maybe you will be okay.

Listen… stop thinking that you won this fight. I did.

We both did.