Today’s world

When we become bored with the subject, we lost interest in the meaning of the object. We use words that have meaning to make them meaningless. From personal experience, life has many obstacles, some difficult some surfaced; all are the same when completed. We look for meaning outside of us, losing hope in trying to control things we cannot control. People have this weird issue with emotions bring out a bizarre side of them trying to understand one’s vulnerability.

Being the product of someone else’s opinion or beliefs will only make you then the subject in someone else’s eyes when, in reality, you should only see yourself through your lens. As humans, we lost this connection with God, and we forget that the meaning of how powerful that meaning holds. I was reading the Quran the other day, and it was talking about rain, and what rain symbolized: cleanse, growth, life. When the world is in turmoil, there is always an opposite side of evil, it’s good. In the bible, when one baptized, they are dipped in water with symbolizes purification.

There is a lot that we to reform and then refine, and it’s our belief system on how we view certain things. There are many different levels we face, and facing them with the same mindset will only keep us away from our higher self or God. To me, I learned that seeing doesn’t always mean believing, believing don’t always mean trusting, trusting doesn’t always mean accepting.

Tolerance and control. When we tolerate, we gain control of our higher self, when we try and control, we lost control of power itself. Structure and order, chaos, and mayhem, both are the opposite meaning; there is always a counter the ones meaning. Create your double, saying what life is for yourself. Accept both sides as one. Remember, you are only human.

Finding yourself.

Life. We all have it some of us struggle with the meaning of it. We are all different, and in being different, we sometimes fall short of becoming something more then what we are. She will never stop loving you as long as you are here right now reading this. In the words of Alan Watts, ” existence is love.”

Play on words has you thinking. Life has me thinking, is everything for the moment, or is there something more than where I am now. We never know where we are because we are always trying to control something that we cannot control. When I say we I don’t mean all, I mean we as in the overthinkers. Overthinking is both bliss and curse.

Through Cancer, I’ve learned that I forget how strong I am as a person. I’ve also learned how I don’t give myself enough credit. People get turned off by mental health topics. They don’t want to hear about your suffering because the world is grieving as is. They want to hear about the achievement of the struggles, not the battle it.

I want to conceive myself of being smart enough emotionally, I numbed myself through substance to escape parts of me I hated, and I learned that to kill those parts I needed to love those parts. Those parts of me were answers to my question of finding what it is that makes me not act in my true self.

I know when I don’t act from my true self. My true self is a loving and caring person. Through life and my own experience, different parts of me were born. Parts of me that I am trying to understand so that my inner child doesn’t fear them.

One part of me that I am still trying to understand is my fighter side. Even though it helped me, it’s also wanted to destroy me. It is hard letting out a front of you to the world. I am learning not to be scared to be unmasked. It will eliminate those that fail to understand my being.

One of my darkest times overshadowed my light. I didn’t understand it back then I don’t think I fully understand it now. There are still parts of me that need work, and I find it within me to change these bad habits that once helped me heal physically and destroyed me mentally.

In the process of growing up, you’ll learn that the kid within you is still alive. You will discover that people are just people learning the adults are unhealed kids. Generations of same old toxic cycles, you will try and break it, but they would be to hurt because they don’t like their idea of what this world is to change, which is okay. Don’t allow that to break you from becoming you.

Speak your mind; become free. Remember How I told you, in the beginning, people are struggling in finding the meaning of their why. I know my why, It’s helping others to find out who they are. Not everyone wants to find themselves, which is okay. I am here just speaking, not preaching because I understand that people are people; they do what they choose to do. That is the best part of being a human; we have access to self-control most of the time. We are emotional beings; we are thinkers; we are an expression and so much more.

Narcissism, Self-centered, Fraud, Fake.

Label me. I don’t really care anymore.

Speak opened minded, self-reflect on your own self. No one can save somebody that doesn’t want to save themselves.

Dear people, I don’t know who this will reach, I hope it reaches somebody that needs it the most.  We are all going through something in Life. I want to first thank the people who believed me in and I let them down.

Deep down somewhere in my heart lays a compassionate soul. There are many different layers under the surface of my being.

I am grateful enough to be where I am now. I have one of the best families in the world and it’s time I start doing for them what they did for me.

Sometimes Parents can be confusing, they don’t listen, they try and discipline you, ten years too late. They always have their best intentions at heart. Somewhere in life, we get hurt mentally, and then we stop growing emotionally.

Hurting doesn’t need to be forever, hurting stop when you figure out that sometimes, we need to self-reflect on what really matters.

Self-reflecting isn’t always blaming yourself, it’s accepting that you are human, it’s telling yourself that nothing in the past will define who you are today.

I try and talk about being yourself, We are all one race at the end of the day separated by religion and dumb politics, we are divided. Seeing end of life makes you not be able to see current life at times.

I am good where I am right now. What I don’t understand is someone who is positive 24/7, find me a person that is happy all year round. I’ll find you a million who aren’t. I give credit to those who mask their pain. Life is all pain. We one day will die, our energy will never die but we will. Masking is like trying to dry a surface with wet paper, it will just make everything messier.

BTW I am not the best writer, I am good at expressing myself. I’ll make it one day.

ps. Introduce yourself, I would love to get to know you guys.

Comparison Is the Thief

I don’t really know where this is going.

I just turned 28 years old a couple of weeks ago. I feel like I am 90 years old. The more I say this the more I feel so confused. Life is confusing. Maybe I am just confused. I know somewhere deep within lays happiness. Happiness isn’t there anymore.

Confused about where I want to take my story.

Maybe I feel guilty for not loving myself after cancer, Maybe I feel regret for not helping others with sharing the best side of me. Maybe I just reached my breaking point, maybe its just my breakthrough, God knows.

Three years ago on Halloween, was one of the scariest moments in my life.

I was driving them on the highway and thought about the feeling of how scared I was. I remember spending that night in the city seeing people celebrating happiness dressed up in the costume. Here I was going into one of the scariest wars I would ever face. I remember tears coming down my face not knowing there was this fighter I still haven’t met.  This inner fight is strong, extremely strong. He survived cancer.

I get deep sometimes that is one of my core beliefs. I want to ask questions and always want people to be themselves, the fighter part of me fights the real part of me so I get confused a lot in trying to become something that I am not.

We are living in a world where being, isn’t really being. We are becoming self-absorbed in hating and feeling so lost that we cannot see straight anymore. Labels get thrown at you for maturing faster than others.

I used to love. I kill what I love. I let people down and in letting people I kill myself.

I tried saving others to only give a false image of who I was. Living Life after cancer isn’t the same as living life with it.

our prime years we go out exploring, in your 20’s your supposed to find out who you are, I was figuring out how to survive. In figuring it out, I keep getting lost. A real compliment feels so fake, maybe because it’s because that how I view myself as fake. I need to start taking better care of myself.

I overthink everything. Let’s get this story right this time. I don’t think anyone would understand, I gave away to much of my story to things that didn’t matter. I am learning how not to overreact to the small things.

I may have said this before, but F it, I’ll say it again.

Truth Hurts.

Everyone wants you to be happy.

Once you know something, it’s forever. Can’t take back the words and can’t just forget the truth.

The truth hurts- that’s why no one likes to hear it. Life sometimes can be funny. We have people all over the world trying to figure it out. Some get distracted by the superficial meanings in life, while others feel it so much that they just get lost in their own misery.

I failed in being myself and failed even more so at trying to be someone I am not. When you try and become something you’re not, you’ll get lost and do the unethical things rather than what your core stands for.

We are all humans at the end of the day, we all are one at the end of the night. Everyone has two things in common: Life and Death, the in-between is where we become different.

Life is continuous… God is real and living inside of us. Society- we are becoming slaves to what we see and what we think. I wish I can take my own advice; I just can’t, so I am not expecting you to take my advice either.

I view life as being different… I don’t see cancer as a sickness, rather I view it as a lesson. What was the lesson in going through what I went to through? I don’t think I understood the lesson.

Retell your story until you get it right. Find what you stand for and do it. Forget the bullshit and it’s okay to not want to be in the game to play an unfair game. Become your game. Forget washed up people that try and break you and move past the bullshit. You know you and no one else does.

Outcast

We are People. Humans that feel feelings. We are more than just flesh. Underneath our flesh lives the soul. I have been so lost in trying to find myself.

I used to think that everything was okay. Everything will eventually be okay in the end. I live for things that most people won’t and don’t understand, Inside me there are feelings that have been burnt out from the fire within me. In each of us there are things that burn.

We are all on different levels of this thing called life. People have this sense of believing what they believe because it makes them feel at peace with what this world is. That is okay, the only time where it doesn’t become okay is when we start to make another person feel wrong about what they do.

Growing up I had a lot of freedom. I also didn’t fit in well with others. I was always trying to fit in. I never fit in. I’ve accepted that. Its not like I don’t want to adapt, I don’t..I just don’t want to.

I know what your going to say ” well you will never change”, ” you will never grow”, ” Get over whatever it is that hurt you in the past because your are better now”. My response will be live your life and i’ll live mine.

One thing about me lately is that I want to honest, and honest doesn’t work in this world. Most people cannot accept honest. Like I said before people have their own belief to what this world is.

We forget god. What is god? God is good.. then why are we so bad. People say this is in the name of god. If god can control this world and our thought then god wouldn’t allow bad to happen. God is pure and human can be evil.

I go off topic a lot. I ramble about things that affect my day to day. Life before everything was okay. I would wake up go to work come back home and repeat the same old routine. Can I ask you a question? what is the purpose you get up for in the morning ? is it to be liked on instagram? Or maybe to hear who dissed who in the rap game. Drama is a distraction and I am guilty of it. I get caught up in the bullshit of life and forget how strong I am. This fighter needs to stop fighting.

When I was first diagnosed with brain cancer, I needed to fight. I didn’t know how too. I had no control of what this fighter was going to do or act. This fighter didn’t want to give up. This fighter won the fight and is now trying to fight a world that would never understand him.

I am grateful that most people will never experience what I experienced, but I know people can find compassion.

Fear came to me one day after I woke up from this weird dream. Not a real dream but this life that I thought I was living. In my head I thought that I was okay, I was far from okay. I started living in a paranoid state of mind. This high both mentally and physically started going against me.

I only know my own personal experience from this world as you should know your own. we are people that have a story to tell. This world works two ways but sometimes its okay to let it only work on way, People something need to fill there own ego, Let them because you are stronger then that to know life is more then just flesh.

Don’t allow anyone to rob you from your spiritual side. Do what makes you comfortable as a person to be yourself.

Stay woke

How I survived Cancer.

One way of how I survived cancer was letting go of all my old ways. In trying to let go of all my old ways, I got a bit tangled up. My ego is a fighter. My spirit is a child that fears. I am a Libra which represents balance, yet I had no balance.

Ever since I was a kid, I used my imagination. During Cancer, I was never worried about the chemo itself; I was more worried about my fantasy madden team. The child in me wasn’t pure. I grow up become him. He turned into this fighter.UNPURE FIGHTER. There was a civil war inside me. My good and bad fighting each other.

Let’s back track to before cancer. Low-self esteem and cancer don’t go hand in hand. Not knowing better of my past mistakes I opened up to world. My whole world came crashing down on me. I think I am a very logical person. A lot of people have there own agenda in this world. My agenda is to make this world a better place. Cant make this world a better place if I am not better. I love life. I get lost in life. I try and make everything around me happy to only feel lonely. This lonely child is a scared child. Never felt before. Ran and ran until one day I got tired of running.

I used to look up to this one person. This person was blood. In going through our own fights we tried to rekindle things. To only find out his foundation are still the same and mine are completely different.

My fighter is a person trying to be understood.I found this really amazing therapist. That I am starting to trust. I can’t trust no one not even myself at time. I react to a feelings. My fighter won the fight cancer. The fighter came from the child feeling like he was so misunderstood. This child wanted to be loved. Fuck being a man. Fuck being anything. I am a person that just want to enjoy life.

Family was here I was blinded. She was there and I WAS BLINDED. She is my everything. I used to never feel that way. I wanted the cake and extra. Youth is where we learn most of what we know now. If you have any-sense of self awareness you will start to blameing yourself for all of your actions. I was feeling guilt of never loving the people that loved me. MAN FUCK THIS YOUTH TALK. Look up to the people that really matter not the ones that have their best interest at heart. I was surrounding myself with people that wanted lust not love. When you have a good thing going for you don’t fumble it.

External family is family, Keep a distance. I mean it. Your valves might not add up. Have people in your life that will love you for you.

Meaning have people who will love your worst side. I screamed and fought to get to where I am. The ones that never cared made up this weird illusion of who I was. The one that did got to see this side of me.

Over the past weekend, two opportunities presented themselves to me: to follow a job and get back into the system or trying to fill a void of emptiness. Love is not always equal. I find myself lost in expressing what I want to say. I opened up to so many people, while I should have been only opening up to one. This one wasn’t really understanding me because I wasn’t understanding her. Life after cancer gives you a whole new perspective on life, as well as a lot of shame in feeling like you’re not worthy of what you’re becoming. A lot of us don’t understand what love is, maybe because we never understood what love was. Love is a four letter word; so is hate. Only thing is that love and hate are complete opposites but with loving something so much, it can turn into hate. Too much of anything is bad. I thought I loved outside people to only find out I was getting trapped in my own head. Right now on the phone, I have the only thing I ever loved helping my lost mind figure out its middle ground. When I felt like I couldn’t talk to her or express who I was, or when I felt like I lied too much in my past, that love turned to hate so I tried to fill this void with other people. Other people don’t love you, they love you for what they think you are. She loved me for everything.

When heart and brain come to tranquility

When reality becomes fiction, the world starts to become a really scary place. I felt like the world doesn’t care. I know I am a fuck up at times, but let me explain. For me to always say that death shouldn’t be feared doesn’t mean I’m not being empathetic with people – I just mean that there’s no logical meaning to fear something that is given. I’m tired of being in this dark place and after being on an emotional roller coaster ride for the past 36 hours, I had my biggest breakthrough.

I never wanted to be a self-centered person. My heart was full of compassion, full of life, full of empathy until one day, my life came crashing down. Imagine your world crashing down in front of you. You have all the tools in front of you, but were never given the “manual”. I wanted to die after beating cancer and take it for what it is, but the fact that I am saying that makes me realize why I hate myself. Regardless of what people say about you or anyone, nothing would ever matter because noone knows what you go through on a day-to-day basis which is actually building you up to who you are now. You can be called all the names in the world but at the end of the day how you feel about yourself before going to sleep is what really matters. Don’t ever stop being a child. I think like a child, I act like a child, therefore I am a child.

I want to really be loved and to love. I have been with my fiancé for nine years. I would stop the world’s rotation for her. When you have your values all fucked up, your life becomes fucked up. We all get hurt in life, but if we allow hurt to remain, then hurt will always be hurt. Regardless of which way you look at hurt, it needs to be understood. If you keep getting burnt by the same flame, there will be no one else left to blame. I can be a bit poetic if I really want to.

Pay attention to when somebody is mad. When I am mad, I tell the truth in how I feel. About a week ago, my fiancé told me that I was self-centered and a narcissist. In the past, I would have made a pity party and disrupted everyone because of a need to be heard. I felt that my problems were so strong that I needed to let them out. Letting them out is fine but there is a time and place for everything. I had all my values so fucked up, that I wouldn’t speak to any therapist because of past hurt experiences and I started getting tired of explaining, so I started smoking a lot more to escape my past pains. This was creating more problems for future pain. Everything I love, or everything I think of love, I kind of overlove. That, also, is a problem. I have problems with problems but I don’t dwell on them. I try to figure them out and inspire others to do the same.

A part of me gets paranoid and I question people’s motives only because I can’t trust my own. This comes from a place of feeling like my own body lied to me, or let me down. I was told that there was nothing wrong with me prior to my diagnosis and that everything was fake, but it turned out to be cancer. People will sit there and not have the right words at times to say to you, will dismiss you if what you say doesn’t match up with what they learned. Life is all about teaching and applying. You can’t just learn and not apply. The second you obtain knowledge, you apply it. After you apply it, you can understand it.

I would accumulate all this knowledge but sit in my basement, not applying. We’re all capable of self-awareness. We’re all capable of controlling our emotions. We’re all capable of learning. We’re all capable of doing anything we put our minds to. If only we can get a grip on our emotions. Being paranoid is a scary feeling. When you throw away God, or the sense of God, you know you’re in a really fucked up place. How could one thing really fuck up my life so bad? I’m not going to sit here and pretend this is all perfect, but I’m aware of my own bullshit. The next time you think bad about yourself, understand that we all have our own issues.

At times, I feel lost. I just sit in bed repeating the same old cancerous cycle. Sorry if that offended you, but I can no longer be triggered by the same old pity. I feel like everything is a personal attack based off of my initial feeling of intent. I always have good intentions but someway, somehow, after I’ve been lied to and deemed crazy for the past two years, I started to think that nothing I said made sense. I can sit there and blame my father for not teaching me how to be a man, but in reality, all I’m doing is playing the victim card.

I look for moderation through impulse. That may sound ironic, but it’s all that I know. From all I know, I’ll still grow through past failures and having real human to human connections. You can’t expect me to reach out all the time and also can’t expect to just use people. We judge people based off their actions but ourselves based off our intentions. I can never know your intentions because you’re you and I’m me. Communication is key. The end goal is we all want to be loved. Don’t be a monster with your love. Learn how to contain the fire within because the heart thinks with feelings but the brain thinks with logic. There is a love-hate relationship within you if you keep allowing that fire to burn in your heart.