When reality becomes fiction, the world starts to become a really scary place. I felt like the world doesn’t care. I know I am a fuck up at times, but let me explain. For me to always say that death shouldn’t be feared doesn’t mean I’m not being empathetic with people – I just mean that there’s no logical meaning to fear something that is given. I’m tired of being in this dark place and after being on an emotional roller coaster ride for the past 36 hours, I had my biggest breakthrough.
I never wanted to be a self-centered person. My heart was full of compassion, full of life, full of empathy until one day, my life came crashing down. Imagine your world crashing down in front of you. You have all the tools in front of you, but were never given the “manual”. I wanted to die after beating cancer and take it for what it is, but the fact that I am saying that makes me realize why I hate myself. Regardless of what people say about you or anyone, nothing would ever matter because noone knows what you go through on a day-to-day basis which is actually building you up to who you are now. You can be called all the names in the world but at the end of the day how you feel about yourself before going to sleep is what really matters. Don’t ever stop being a child. I think like a child, I act like a child, therefore I am a child.
I want to really be loved and to love. I have been with my fiancé for nine years. I would stop the world’s rotation for her. When you have your values all fucked up, your life becomes fucked up. We all get hurt in life, but if we allow hurt to remain, then hurt will always be hurt. Regardless of which way you look at hurt, it needs to be understood. If you keep getting burnt by the same flame, there will be no one else left to blame. I can be a bit poetic if I really want to.
Pay attention to when somebody is mad. When I am mad, I tell the truth in how I feel. About a week ago, my fiancé told me that I was self-centered and a narcissist. In the past, I would have made a pity party and disrupted everyone because of a need to be heard. I felt that my problems were so strong that I needed to let them out. Letting them out is fine but there is a time and place for everything. I had all my values so fucked up, that I wouldn’t speak to any therapist because of past hurt experiences and I started getting tired of explaining, so I started smoking a lot more to escape my past pains. This was creating more problems for future pain. Everything I love, or everything I think of love, I kind of overlove. That, also, is a problem. I have problems with problems but I don’t dwell on them. I try to figure them out and inspire others to do the same.
A part of me gets paranoid and I question people’s motives only because I can’t trust my own. This comes from a place of feeling like my own body lied to me, or let me down. I was told that there was nothing wrong with me prior to my diagnosis and that everything was fake, but it turned out to be cancer. People will sit there and not have the right words at times to say to you, will dismiss you if what you say doesn’t match up with what they learned. Life is all about teaching and applying. You can’t just learn and not apply. The second you obtain knowledge, you apply it. After you apply it, you can understand it.
I would accumulate all this knowledge but sit in my basement, not applying. We’re all capable of self-awareness. We’re all capable of controlling our emotions. We’re all capable of learning. We’re all capable of doing anything we put our minds to. If only we can get a grip on our emotions. Being paranoid is a scary feeling. When you throw away God, or the sense of God, you know you’re in a really fucked up place. How could one thing really fuck up my life so bad? I’m not going to sit here and pretend this is all perfect, but I’m aware of my own bullshit. The next time you think bad about yourself, understand that we all have our own issues.
At times, I feel lost. I just sit in bed repeating the same old cancerous cycle. Sorry if that offended you, but I can no longer be triggered by the same old pity. I feel like everything is a personal attack based off of my initial feeling of intent. I always have good intentions but someway, somehow, after I’ve been lied to and deemed crazy for the past two years, I started to think that nothing I said made sense. I can sit there and blame my father for not teaching me how to be a man, but in reality, all I’m doing is playing the victim card.
I look for moderation through impulse. That may sound ironic, but it’s all that I know. From all I know, I’ll still grow through past failures and having real human to human connections. You can’t expect me to reach out all the time and also can’t expect to just use people. We judge people based off their actions but ourselves based off our intentions. I can never know your intentions because you’re you and I’m me. Communication is key. The end goal is we all want to be loved. Don’t be a monster with your love. Learn how to contain the fire within because the heart thinks with feelings but the brain thinks with logic. There is a love-hate relationship within you if you keep allowing that fire to burn in your heart.