No winning

If I lied I lose myself

If I tell the truth I lose you.

Breaking up, moving on

It’s not you that I hold onto. I don’t even miss you. I wrote about you before and felt completely empowered. Been checking up on you every now and then, you still never showed up. I can say that you standing me up has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. At times, I miss you. At times, I ask myself how did you fuck me up so much and just leave. Thinking I was going to be okay, just like that.
The voice you gave me made me feel like a complete idiot around a bunch of people that never understood you. What you are to me is something special, you have a special place in my heart. Even though we are no longer together, I still love you for all the things you taught me. I still fucking hate you for all the deaths you have caused.
People fear you, I did at one point thats why I held you so close. The more I spoke about you, the more I looked like an idiot. People telling me to move past it but little did they know I was trying… I failed. In failing, you are becoming more of a faded memory.
Time heals… others forget you. I only remember you more deeply. With you, life was like me trying to survive. Without you, life is where I am.
You made me lost in the way I think. From time to time, I try and remember how strong I was with you. Without you, I don’t have a excuse to fight.
Fighting with you isn’t a war. Forgetting you wasn’t always easy. You left a toxic taste in my mouth. As years go by, I tell myself that I am better. I am not though. I don’t really care about what I used to care about while I was with you. My parents don’t even care about you anymore. Everyone wants to forget you and tell me to move on. HOW? WHERE? I get that life without you is better.

This time of year gets hard from time to time. You become real and it’s like I can still feel your touch. The cold weather here reminds me of your coldness. I turned cold for a bit. It’s like the more I get ignored, the more I want to remember you. This feeling makes me feel like you are in all when you are nothing more than just something that most fear.

Remember how much you loved me that you almost tried killing me? Those were the days where I was my strongest. You made me lose sight in some ways. You were blinding me just like you were blinded in me. I really hope everyone you meet gives you the same treatment I gave you. Hopefully we’ll never meet again.

FUCK YOU, Thank you Cancer.

Sincerely, Mouhamad Beydoun

Comparison Is the Thief

I don’t really know where this is going.

I just turned 28 years old a couple of weeks ago. I feel like I am 90 years old. The more I say this the more I feel so confused. Life is confusing. Maybe I am just confused. I know somewhere deep within lays happiness. Happiness isn’t there anymore.

Confused about where I want to take my story.

Maybe I feel guilty for not loving myself after cancer, Maybe I feel regret for not helping others with sharing the best side of me. Maybe I just reached my breaking point, maybe its just my breakthrough, God knows.

Three years ago on Halloween, was one of the scariest moments in my life.

I was driving them on the highway and thought about the feeling of how scared I was. I remember spending that night in the city seeing people celebrating happiness dressed up in the costume. Here I was going into one of the scariest wars I would ever face. I remember tears coming down my face not knowing there was this fighter I still haven’t met.  This inner fight is strong, extremely strong. He survived cancer.

I get deep sometimes that is one of my core beliefs. I want to ask questions and always want people to be themselves, the fighter part of me fights the real part of me so I get confused a lot in trying to become something that I am not.

We are living in a world where being, isn’t really being. We are becoming self-absorbed in hating and feeling so lost that we cannot see straight anymore. Labels get thrown at you for maturing faster than others.

I used to love. I kill what I love. I let people down and in letting people I kill myself.

I tried saving others to only give a false image of who I was. Living Life after cancer isn’t the same as living life with it.

our prime years we go out exploring, in your 20’s your supposed to find out who you are, I was figuring out how to survive. In figuring it out, I keep getting lost. A real compliment feels so fake, maybe because it’s because that how I view myself as fake. I need to start taking better care of myself.

I overthink everything. Let’s get this story right this time. I don’t think anyone would understand, I gave away to much of my story to things that didn’t matter. I am learning how not to overreact to the small things.

I may have said this before, but F it, I’ll say it again.