self talk

There a voice living within me telling me that I’m not worthy of the connection I need to be who I want.

Who are you? What do you want from me?

I’m the voice of your past called trauma. We both have been hurt by life. Why should we care and feel when all we do is get let down by people and their actions.

We get let down time and time again by allowing people in, and all they do is hurt us. They forget what we did for them, only to leave us for their own selfish needs.

Is that so? Why do you want to hold on to things that hurt us if living is here now? Where do you want to go from here? Do you want our time to be stolen by a bunch of nobodies so that we die in this black void calling emotions?

This is why I numb you.

This is why I talk to you.

You would rather want to be numb than be anything other than that because you feel too much?

Seasons change

Your emotions will get you killed. Guard your heart ignore the rest. Love the fuck out of yourself, keep walking. This world may seem divided, yet you remain intact because you are part of the world. Nothing will ever be where it is in place today because we change as the season go. Yet we remain the same in the memories that fade with time.

The Power of Imagination

 The power of imagination

Where it prevails is in between fantasy and reality.

I’ve always been the type of kid that lived in my head. Never conceding the emotion behind the character until the response became powerless. 

You ask yourself these mysteries, which leads to not knowing your self-worth at times.

This thing we call “self,” what is it? Is it who we are? Or is it the evaluation of others that made us who we are?

Going through cancer, this thing called “self” turned into a label.

Labels. Why do we label everything without really understanding the meaning? We show a lack of emotion towards something we don’t understand. We push people away when in reality what we want is to keep them close.

As a kid growing up, I lived in a sheltered box of my imagination. My imagination became my fairy tale, which allowed it to die in the eyes of others’ lack of imagination.

We pretend that who we are is just this thing we call “self.” When self is a bunch of things happening that led us to being. Being only happens in the present. We become what we are based on experience.

Words on words. We lose ourselves in the thought of what we think we are. Let it go.

We can’t go blaming everyone else for where we are now. Allow yourself to heal. Heal anything.   

Anything that leads to understanding, feel it. Don’t force the feeling of needing to feel. ” 

When there’s routine in life, life feels structured. There was a time when I was going through cancer. Yes I said going through cancer, because to me it doesn’t live with me now. It was a experience that I faced that allowed me to grow through the pain.

There was a set routine. I knew what I needed to survive. Life after cancer has been extremely different. Not difficult. Just different. The biggest thing I had to understand after cancer was the fact that not everyone understood what it meant to survive. Everyone’s perception can be fogged up at times as they base it on what they feel are their theories to life, which lead them to make their own decision based on what they knew at the time.

Theories are very subjective. Experience is very subjective. The only thing objective is our surroundings. How we perceive it is merely how we see it.

There were times in my life when I didn’t want to coexist in the world. There was no need to coexist. One day, you won’t be here. One day, this whole thing will be over. Don’t allow yourself to live a long life with no meaning; live a short life with intent. In time, everything will come back to a cycle, and this cycle, we call life. When we allow ourselves to live in an experience that can serve us, everything else is noise. White noise in the back, distracting us.

People will hate you for bringing out colors that make them feel insecure, or you’ll hate them for doing that to you. Regardless of whichever way it is, there is always a side of something that doesn’t make sense in the long run. Why do we take so many things, and turn them into reactions that leave us feeling so left out of the world?

Allow it.

Today’s world

When we become bored with the subject, we lost interest in the meaning of the object. We use words that have meaning to make them meaningless. From personal experience, life has many obstacles, some difficult some surfaced; all are the same when completed. We look for meaning outside of us, losing hope in trying to control things we cannot control. People have this weird issue with emotions bring out a bizarre side of them trying to understand one’s vulnerability.

Being the product of someone else’s opinion or beliefs will only make you then the subject in someone else’s eyes when, in reality, you should only see yourself through your lens. As humans, we lost this connection with God, and we forget that the meaning of how powerful that meaning holds. I was reading the Quran the other day, and it was talking about rain, and what rain symbolized: cleanse, growth, life. When the world is in turmoil, there is always an opposite side of evil, it’s good. In the bible, when one baptized, they are dipped in water with symbolizes purification.

There is a lot that we to reform and then refine, and it’s our belief system on how we view certain things. There are many different levels we face, and facing them with the same mindset will only keep us away from our higher self or God. To me, I learned that seeing doesn’t always mean believing, believing don’t always mean trusting, trusting doesn’t always mean accepting.

Tolerance and control. When we tolerate, we gain control of our higher self, when we try and control, we lost control of power itself. Structure and order, chaos, and mayhem, both are the opposite meaning; there is always a counter the ones meaning. Create your double, saying what life is for yourself. Accept both sides as one. Remember, you are only human.

breaking other people’s journeys

Would this all have been just a big waste of time? Where are we? How is this all happening? What is this thing we call time? Is it here in the now? Why does everything feel so distant yet so close? How are we even being when being is being something that you are not. Is this thing called life more than just a moment in time? All these questions that we never ask? Hey, how is your day at work today? Want to get drunk this weekend? Want to eat at this over prices restaurant that we both can’t afford? Let’s numb ourselves in meaningless sex. Let’s find ourselves on TV. Better yet, let’s not be here anymore. Why don’t we die everything will then stop? Why are there all these questions that I am asking?

When lived time isn’t wasted, time is only wasted when you surround yourself with things that don’t build you. Create, inpsire, and be. Do something to create your legacy. Nothing needs your attention; you need your attention more than anyone else does. People change, and in changing, they do what they need to heal. If healing means numbing than they numb, you can’t go breaking other people’s journeys. You can only inspire them through yours.

The Missing Piece

The feeling wasn’t there today.

Writing for me is when I am at my purest. I can think about the words and the feelings and allow them to become something other than just built-up emotions that are trapped.

I went into my scan today, and it was my fifth-year scan. Felt completely different didn’t feel like home anymore. I felt like I was alone. In life, we push certain people away to protect ourselves in hopes not to allow new people we let in to hurt us. Life is all about balance; it’s about accepting both sides as one.

Sometimes we make people family, to see that some people never had a family. Family isn’t always perfect, but the core of it is. I can say that this would be my last time remembering you, I lose too much of myself loving you.

The Missing part-

If loving me was meant to be, then it would be, I don’t understand how we became this fucked. It was all about growing up together, loving each other, protecting each other; I guess we allowed the outside noise to distract our internal noise of love.

I think to myself that I showing this side of me to the world would hurt me more than I tell myself that having a voice that can express what it is that feels, is a lot more persuasive than allowing myself to be like others.

A lot of this sounds like its repetitive, don’t know what I hold onto you hurt me more with your actions than I did with my ways of thinking. Having a fucked system growing up isn’t an excuse. Being around the fucked system shows your character.

I won’t sugar coat it, ill tell you how I see it, Didn’t build you to this point to watch you break back to where you once were. Inside the magic within us all lies this little voice that needs to be heard and expressed. Love you more than I love myself isn’t the right thing to do, thank you for always showing me that peoples true colors always show at the end. This lesson you taught me showed me that people will always be people and that this so-called true love isn’t so accurate with who you think it was supposed to be with; true love starts with loving everything that is happening as one.

We will leave that for another day, or maybe we’ll go for a day when Instagram needs a new post.

Broken People

They are lost in the clutter of the mind, so they seek the heart only to find that there is a void that lives within it. Looking for broken promises in broken people to only find they too are broken. Trapped in the head, finding that nothing is the way things were only to realize that everything is perfect the way it is.

Maybe One Day

Maybe one day we’ll unearth each other in the stars like when we first met, maybe one day the blast from the past will create our future as the present unveils itself. Maybe one day, that heart will open again. Until then, only can allow this universe to guide us in seeing where the magic is.

Energy in Motion

“Energy in motion or better yet emotion.”
The feeling is Numbness from pushing everyone away, creating a barrier around my soul.

I grew out my hair for about year, ended up cutting today. Usually, around November, I like to reset. Start back from scratch. There is this feeling that I typically feel right in the middle of my lungs and stomach this trapped feeling that I can’t express out. I know that someday I will be happy; I know eventually I will make it.
I am drawing blank empty. Some say never show people weakness because if you do, they will be turned off by you. They are thinking that you are not capable of being stable.

Numb. That is the feeling right now. It feels worse than the chemo killing cancer because this is cancer-treating cancer. We need to learn how to accept and understand one another with actions and with words. They say that actions speak louder than words. Well, words are the roots of one action. People try to be something that they are not. People try fitting into circles they don’t belong in; you start losing a sense of who they are. In losing a sense of who you are, you will get lost in a world that is here to give you answers to your wanted questions.

Never confine in people that treat hurt as hurt or have a vindictive personality. The ones that do stuff out of spite because they will end up doing the same to you when your relationship goes sour. I look for connections from people, trying to allow people into my life. They always seem to disappoint me. Maybe I disappoint myself in wanting more for me. I am far from perfect. I have my flaws, I do shit out of spite at times, but at least I am honest with myself in understanding the patterns that lead up to my actions. There is no right or wrong way to go about things. It’s always going to be your approach to your reaction to somebody else energy.

People claim they are a believer in god or believer in the universe but only do that to cover up this false idea of not understanding nothing matter.

The only thing that matters in this vast space is that there is a sense of humanity. Learning how to love is hard when others have zero lack of understanding and only understand the self.

When you start to accept anything less than what you give, you lower yourself to that person’s level.

Gods Creation

A part of me feels like I have lost perception with this society.

Another part of me feels like the whole creation is living in me. I am not saying that I have given up, for that, I have breathe I will keep living.

This world is small; the people living in are not. I talk a lot about mental health. I have talked a lot about my battles with disease, obsession, things that made me vulnerable.

In being vulnerable, you will develop, you will become restricted, but it will be the most powerful that you ever felt. Most people never will show the world who they are because they are afraid; they were once shut down. They continue to let that little child in them live in fear.

Sometimes we feel like this world is against us; the world is for us. I am learning, and I won’t be sorry for trying to understand who I want to become, I am sorry you failed to see your own shadow in my failures. I am who I am because of the way God created me.

Four Years later a New outlook

We live in a world that is separated, divided, and, most importantly, depressed. Everyone is suffering from some sort of mental illness.

Ever since I can remember, I have always been the outcast. There’s nothing wrong with being the outcast.

During my darkest moments, only a few people shined while others simply pretended to be there. The ones that shined have a special place in my heart. 

You see, I don’t have a problem in expressing who I am. I have nothing I want to show off to the material world. Even though “material” may be good at times, “material” isn’t what life is all about. 

My twenties were nice until I needed to wake up really fast and bring out every part of me to a game I wasn’t ready to play. We don’t fight wars alone. During war, each solider doesn’t need to agree with one another. In the real world, they need to compromise and destroy the enemy — that enemy, for me, was cancer.  

As time healed them in their own ways, it never really healed me. I saw the world for something else while my family remained stuck in their own war. What I mean is, they went back to what they knew this world as before. Them seeing me healthy was all they wanted. Was I really healthy though? I was healed, but FAR FROM HEALTHY. I’m still trying to figure out who this person was and is, and what to do with this new chance that I was given.

When a war ends, trauma begins. Sometimes, we get lost in winning the battle & we forget what we are fighting for.

What I fight for is a better life for me and my army, regardless of who doesn’t see the bigger picture. It’s my picture. 

As a previously sick person, I know the only thing a person wants when they are sick is to be healthy. 

I have a vision for what I want my life to become. It isn’t always easy for me to express myself. The best way I know how is to write. I love being able to just sit there and write, take pictures, and record videos. 

I remember the time I applied to radiography school. I wanted to become an X-Ray tech to help others. X-Rays saved my life, so I thought it would be a good way to help others in their recovery and give back. It was one of the worst things I could’ve done. I was trying to be Superman in a world that didn’t need it. A system where people take it as a paycheck and see each person as an RN number, I definitely wasn’t emotionally ready for that. Staff didn’t like my approach and told me that I had to remember to be a student, even though their techs were being very unethical at times. I learned that some things need to be kept unsaid for protecting your own sanity. There are a lot of sick people out there and when I say sick, I don’t mean physically — I mean mentally. They have their priorities all fucked up.

Opening up to others about something they will never understand is like trying to make a circle fit in a square… I don’t know where I came up with that, but that’s just how my brain operates. 

I smoked weed in my recovery. It took me 25 years of my life to do any kind of drug. Even writing this sentence makes me feel like I am committing a guilty act. I don’t understand why some people can’t just accept the fact that we are living in a new time… where there are other ways of healing, other than the traditional ones. I see my father with all his pills and just tell myself if only he could change his viewpoint and stop taking this poison. I feel like he’d be much healthier and happier.

Smoking, for me, turned into numbing and numbing made me stop caring. I talk a lot about people and how people live. I am not saying that I am better than other people. I have just been through a different experience. I’ve never dwelled on my misery of having cancer. Instead, I try to dwell on the knowledge to only notice that the knowledge I gained gave me a new insight on what life is.

I am not a scientist; I don’t know why some people die from cancer and others survive. However, I do know what I went through to not die. God didn’t save me; God could’ve saved a lot more people that deserved to be saved. The way we think, we become. 

I am in tune with the thing inside me… the thing that beats, that keeps me alive – my “heart.” The same heart that feels the pain of others, wanting to see them do better and not feed into hate. I also have a very powerful brain, a brain that thinks off logic rather than follows a trend. I still am a person, though, and I still have temptation just like the rest of the world. I need to feel grounded. If I don’t, then that means I am not human. So save me your perfect happily-ever-after for someone else.

Dark times pass

Today is February 12th everything on the top was when I was in a different state of mind. Today mark’s my four-year anniversary since I was diagnosed with brain cancer. I just want to thank My team. Today is also my dad birthday. 4 years ago today, we celebrated his birthday by finding out what was wrong with me. Even after finding out it was cancer, you remained thankful that I was still alive. You didn’t care about what cake or present you were going to get that night but more so if I was going to be okay. Last night, I tried to envision a world without you, and just couldn’t. I love you Dad .. really thankful that I have you around still and need to learn how to appreciate you a lot more because one day, I am no longer going to be able to just say hey Dad. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABA!!