Fogged Vision

There is no right or wrong way of dealing with your emotions.
Emotions are just there to teach you a way of navigating a way that you feel about a situation that you don’t understand.

People go through life either masking a part of them that they hide from the outside world or hide from themselves. Letting this not affect how you feel is a skill learned into moving past the feeling of low energy.

People die every day; we don’t hear about the ones that never left an impact on the world; we only hear about the ones that die with fame or mass murders from a tragic outcome. The point is you never know when you’re last day here on earth is. Everything is as it is, be present, and let go of things that don’t hold any truth to you. I never understand the conditioning parts of the human mind; we hold onto things that are just as empty as our promises we make to ourselves at times.

Breaking out of character comes from a deep place of hurt that many will dismiss from not understanding everyone deals with things differently. We are all going through this thing together as a collective whole. There is a saying out there “thinking positive all the time is a negative trait; understanding that negative is negative is a positive trait.”

Seeing things for what they are without labeling them is also a learned skill. Learning how to shutdown how you feel a lot takes of work; there is a lot of breaking and letting go into changing what you need for yourself.

People go through their journey without realizing that their perspective is a fogged image of who they are.

Cancer Free Five years

The journey for me started a little over five years ago.

Finding balance in all of this has been hard.

Today I felt happy, alone, but happy. I reached the peak of cancer five fucken years clean. That is my biggest accomplishment in life. Also, my biggest blessing was cancer; Cancer is the teacher. It allows you to see past the bullshit we face as people. It shows a world that many fear. Many also forget what it was like going through the struggle; they allow other minor problems to overtake the most significant challenge we once faced.

Life keeps going; in a way, life doesn’t care for you; it cares about how you overcome obstacles.

We go through a lot to remain where we are most times. I say this a lot – note to self.

I am learning how to be alone, being alone is both a blessing and a curse because at times I do want to hold another human, but also at times, I want to hold myself.

Finding balance has always been a challenge for me. I tend to stay away from crowds; I’ll get lost in the noise. I also get lost in my pitty. Knowing that one day I will reface what I faced makes me not care, seeing both a meaningful and meaningless life finding that balance has also been a conflict.

I am cancer free now five years, and the feeling changes\

Life is a game of balance, finding what you need at the moment to get you past bullshit we all go through. Ego minded people, feed the narrative, you and I are not that special in a world full of extraordinary and talented people. We are all one at the end of the day, learn how to love others, and love yourself for us to grow as people.

The Novel waiting to be read

Every person you meet is a novel. Some are difficult to read; others have pages ripped apart from past damage. Some even fabricated to fit a narrative that pertains to where they are now.

It’s been four years since I was cancer-free, today I shared it with people. There was a push back from within myself in fearing being judged. My cancer isn’t for anyone to understand; it is for me to have gratitude for life, and share a face that some people never get to see the winning side of cancer.

It was a blessing having a support system put into place. So many people fought to keep me alive. I don’t always show appreciation. I got lost in negative thinking. It’s hard when talking about the past. A big part of me understood what it was like going through everything. Don’t look to be understood; look to understand.

When I was battling cancer, my cousin died. His death was the first time I experience death after going through my cycle of destruction. I don’t want to get into too many details, and I finally understand what I didn’t want to be after seeing him die. I felt first hand his pain of being misunderstood, trying to be accepted by a society that would label him.

I am not making excuses for myself, nor am I justifying my action based on my experience. All I can speak of is that cancer wasn’t something easy it was a lot of numbing. I don’t know how I feel about still.

It’s been four long years, writing this now, I feel numb; there is nothing that the past can show me that I haven’t seen. If you are one of those people that tells someone to move past it you are better now, do me a favor think before you give advice. Feeling numb to something is okay.

When you become self-reflective on what made you the person you are today, where you go wrong is when you blame others for making you the way you are. You didn’t have a choice if you didn’t know any better. Just move past it and look for greater things. People you love will hurt you, and you will do the same that is all part of the process of self-discovery. You can go on living a life of never finding out who you are and die. Don’t die without realizing who you were and how this world will remember you.

You’re still here

Today I was thinking to myself, what is the point of doing anything if I am going to die one day. I then quickly told myself I am not dead yet. Won’t be dead for a while. I am here now and now is all I have.
After almost dying I was waiting to die without seeing what it was like living after almost dying. Everyone has an answer to a question that was never asked. I had an answer to my question that I never asked.
You can limit yourself to what you think you would be in a world that has endless opportunities.
There are always going to be good and bad in the world – without either, none would exist. The word exist is also the word being. Human which is us and being which in now makes a human being.
I am not fond of routine, structure, or planning. I am a big believer in trusting that whatever you set your mind to you will accomplish. I have learned how to master what I need; what Mouhamad Beydoun needs.
So many of us just exist forgetting about the human in us. We forget what it is like being a human. I try my hardest to be a good person. I am not always a nice guy… at times I give zero fucks and at other times I give the world my heart.
There are things that I need to start realizing: not everyone will understand what they want from the words or actions you let out, it is never your responsibility to change their mind or their viewpoint. You will lose too much of who you are. – Note to self
There are so many good people on this earth, we get blinded by the ugly, ugly will always outshine the good “if you allow it”.
If you were to talk to me six months ago, you would’ve thought I belonged in a mental health hospital. This thing called paranoia started to kick in. I was trusting people in thinking they could save me with me trying to save myself.
I still live with my parents, I still struggle to find a source of income to help me move out. However, I am doing what I love and doing what I want. Not a lot of people like to hear that because they never had the chance to really do whatever they wanted. Too stuck on thinking or waiting for other people’s opinion on them. I was one of those people.
I am always here to listen, I am always here to talk, I am always here with you at heart. Don’t rely on anyone saving you; save yourself. Show the world who you are raw and uncut, show the world a side of you that you want to be around at night when you are all alone and need that someone to tell you that everything will be okay.

Narcissism, Self-centered, Fraud, Fake.

Label me. I don’t really care anymore.

Speak opened minded, self-reflect on your own self. No one can save somebody that doesn’t want to save themselves.

Dear people, I don’t know who this will reach, I hope it reaches somebody that needs it the most.  We are all going through something in Life. I want to first thank the people who believed me in and I let them down.

Deep down somewhere in my heart lays a compassionate soul. There are many different layers under the surface of my being.

I am grateful enough to be where I am now. I have one of the best families in the world and it’s time I start doing for them what they did for me.

Sometimes Parents can be confusing, they don’t listen, they try and discipline you, ten years too late. They always have their best intentions at heart. Somewhere in life, we get hurt mentally, and then we stop growing emotionally.

Hurting doesn’t need to be forever, hurting stop when you figure out that sometimes, we need to self-reflect on what really matters.

Self-reflecting isn’t always blaming yourself, it’s accepting that you are human, it’s telling yourself that nothing in the past will define who you are today.

I try and talk about being yourself, We are all one race at the end of the day separated by religion and dumb politics, we are divided. Seeing end of life makes you not be able to see current life at times.

I am good where I am right now. What I don’t understand is someone who is positive 24/7, find me a person that is happy all year round. I’ll find you a million who aren’t. I give credit to those who mask their pain. Life is all pain. We one day will die, our energy will never die but we will. Masking is like trying to dry a surface with wet paper, it will just make everything messier.

BTW I am not the best writer, I am good at expressing myself. I’ll make it one day.

ps. Introduce yourself, I would love to get to know you guys.

Double sided conversation.

Knock knock!

Who’s there ?

Me.

Me, who?

It’s me, you. The person that has been with you for the last 27 years of your life. Can you let me in?

No.

What do you mean no?

I said NO!!

Why do you always do this?

Do what?

This.

Can you just leave me alone?

No, I can’t leave you alone. I let you be for a little while and now it’s time to man up and get your shit together.

What do you mean by get my shit together? I have it together.

You do?

Yes.

Can you explain to me how then do you have it together, if all you have been doing for the past three years is just waste our time. I get that people and experiences hurt you but you need to let that shit shape you instead. Let me tell you a story about yourself that no one will understand. You are different. In being different, that means you’re special, not everyone will get you, and not every needs to get you. You have everything and everyone around you to support you. Stop acting like a spoiled little child for once. I get that you went through a lot and I am not just saying that to make you feel better. I experienced it with you. I saw how hard you fought. You took over for a while, and now it’s my turn to take back who I am. There are parts of you love and some parts that are no longer needed. If you can find some moderation in your life, maybe, just maybe you will be okay.

Listen… stop thinking that you won this fight. I did.

We both did.

don’t count the days, make the days count

Manifest what you want out to the world.

A couple of years back I purposed to my fiancé. Impulsive but rational impulsive decision, here the thing I just got my clean bill of health and with that, I knew that death was near and that what I once lived for was now all put behind. Every year I would make a false promise or fake new years resolutions. Whether it was quitting smoking or losing weight. I would always fail because after Jan 1st my hope for change was gone because life started to become normal. One year, losing weight and quitting smoking came by force. It didn’t come by choice but came with the desire to live. One year, I wanted to quit so bad, and instead of doing it the normal way, the universe showed me that false promises get you nowhere. Lying to yourself gets you nowhere.

I remember my first ever new years back home from the hospital after I was given my clean bill of health. Extremely tired that night. I remember that night just like it was this year’s new years. I remember the jackpot of the mega millions was the largest ever. That day I had 20 dollars to my name and bought me 20 tickets. I knew that my chances were slim to none but I had a really real feeling for that quick minute. I tried for a second to plan out my life with all the money and what it would do for me. It made me want to push really hard to work for a future to payback the people that gave me everything. My first time ever really keeping a new years resolution tradition started 3 years ago.

In 2016 I almost lost that same very pretty green-eyed girl that I have plastered all over. In 2016 I learned that I took adverting of people that loved me. I was getting too comfortable living in the cancer stage that I never really saw tough love. This got really hard when I started seeing everyone as an enemy rather than a person that cares. When you come from a place of hurt and put out of your norm, you begin to experience things that make no sense to you. A perfect example is one summer, my family and I were driving up to the Poconos, but I was feeling so disconnected from the very people that sat with me by my bedside. I just felt so much hate and anger towards the smallest things. Also, in 2016, cancer wasn’t the problem anymore. That same year, I made a promise that in 2017, I would try and figure out all of my lost emotions. 2017 was probably my greatest year in just figuring out who I am as an adult, as a man. My whole life I was impulsive, but 2017 was impulse mixed with anger; leading to figuring out how to slow it down. Sometimes it takes breaking down to your core to reshape your whole perspective and realize that you’re the problem. The world won’t change for you, but you can change the world. I had dreams that were once valuable to me taken away and it brought me to an unknown world – the cancer world where I learned that everyone experiences similar things.

What ringing in this year taught me is that you don’t have to wait for a new year to start the “new me” mentality. When you wait for a certain date to take action, you’re setting yourself up for failure. This world’s rotation is what keeps you grounded, so you trying to stop that or change that just wouldn’t make any sense. I also just want to say embrace the people that love you and if they impacted you, make sure to tell them that. I have learned that time is very limited and cannot be reversed so really start implementing change now for that tomorrow may never come.

Rest In Peace Amanda, Jeremy