self talk

There a voice living within me telling me that I’m not worthy of the connection I need to be who I want.

Who are you? What do you want from me?

I’m the voice of your past called trauma. We both have been hurt by life. Why should we care and feel when all we do is get let down by people and their actions.

We get let down time and time again by allowing people in, and all they do is hurt us. They forget what we did for them, only to leave us for their own selfish needs.

Is that so? Why do you want to hold on to things that hurt us if living is here now? Where do you want to go from here? Do you want our time to be stolen by a bunch of nobodies so that we die in this black void calling emotions?

This is why I numb you.

This is why I talk to you.

You would rather want to be numb than be anything other than that because you feel too much?

The truth about surviving Cancer

The truth about surviving brain cancer, you don’t die, but everything around you does.

The feeling of trying to understand this thing has left in a dark place. Everything has been moving fast, and I need to slow down before I lose a sense of what is happening around me.

Family is getting older, mom and dad won’t be here much longer, and here I am still trying to find out who I am. People walk in and out of my life like it’s a drug clinic giving out free methadone. They are only coming for the fix. They took from me a lot, and I gave a lot.

The one person I loved walked away from me, can’t blame her, though. She is a bright light. She got tired of waiting for things to happen. She held her own while I was still breaking and fixing pieces of me that I didn’t understand. She will probably say that this is an excuse; maybe she is right; it is an excuse of perhaps I just needed someone to love me a little harder.

Been shut down before that never stops me, I learn how to adapt and move past it; Nothing should be able to hurt me more than cancer. That should’ve been my biggest challenge in life.

People change, that is human nature. We are all subjects to our environment. We become what we chase after, empty sex, fast money, self-centered hearts.

( Note to self) wake up before it’s too late and you lose a sense of who you are.

Follow your path and allow others to follow their own. People are just people. Stop trying to hold anyone higher or lower than who you are.

It’s honestly funny seeing reality for what it is. It’s all a status game at the end of the day we forget what is essential in the end-all. It’s surrounding yourself with people who get you, and you get them, it’s having those deep conversation questioning what life is, and why we think the way we think. Not everyone is in it deep because they allowed the experience to show them another version of themselves, a mindless version, an egotistical version, a self-centered heart version.

Deep Rest

Depression: feelings of severe despondency and dejection.

de·spond·en·cy: a state of low spirits caused by loss of hope or courage.

Spirit: the nonphysical part of a person which is the seat of emotions and character; the soul.

Learn where your energy goes, make sure that what you feel will always remain true to who you are. Fight for the people that will fight for you. Fight for the people that need help in fighting. I see a world that is lost. I bet there are others in this world that feel the same.

it’s been four years, it’s been a long journey of soul searching and I still find a big void, where happiness once was. What I used to like I don’t like anymore. Happiness does start from the inside, my inside also turned their back on me.

Dead Presidents

We worship dead people on paper. What if things were a little different. What if you started showing the world color to a colorless world. We are all trapped to something. Try and break free of what life throws at you. I wish you could see what it is like knowing what it is to die without really dying. Would you really think that life is more than what life really is?

I don’t preach, I speak, I don’t want you to know anything other than the self-love that you need to grow. Self= You love= you. Self-love is what life is all about.

Some of us become our parents growing up to only make our kids which is the cycle that never ends, unless becoming that change to that parent you needed when you were a kid.

I don’t need fixing, you don’t need fixing. We all need happiness and happiness starts with accepting what life is. Walk away from toxic things in life, become more than what you were yesterday. People will never understand you and at the end of the day, you don’t need to be understood. You need to understand yourself.

Take what you need from this or take nothing at all.